EILEEN ADLER

The words we dread to hear –

you have – something.

and it’s not good.

First, let’s understand that relationships run the range for why you are together, but sometimes that perception is not in agreement with becoming a care giver. It simply doesn’t fit the plan for your future together. Not everyone is cut out to be a care giver. Secondly, caregiving may be the hardest job a person can take on. It’s 24/7 and this commitment requires 100% of your mental, physical, and emotional demands which compound over time. Caregivers become hyper-aware of their loved ones needs, forsaking their own.

Linda Keilman, a gerontological nurse, Michigan State University College of Nursing faculty member and 2022 Forbes Health Advisory Board member, explains “care partnerships become all-consuming, and the least important person becomes the person providing the care,” losing sight of their own needs. Self-care is the easiest thing we can do for ourselves, but we don’t think about it that way. We think it’s selfish or self-centered, but stress reduction is one of the main goals of self-care. “You have to keep your care partner role balanced with the rest of your life, even though being a care partner takes 100% [of that space] most of the time,” Keilman says. “You still need respite, you still need to get out, you still need to take care of yourself. Learn how to control your stress with simple things. Music is great, dance is great… Maybe you can try placing a bird feeder outside your window. There’s so much that we can do that isn’t rocket science—you just must get a little creative.”

So, where do we go from hear to here? Plan before challenges arise. The conversation may be uncomfortable, awkward, and emotionally draining, but it’s invaluable and honestly, brings a sense of peace. What do you want life together to look like going forward? Begin the conversation . . .What would you want your partner to do for you if you got sick? What would they want you to do for them? Are you comfortable with the idea of meeting those needs for each other? If not, what are your other options?

• If an illness were to progress, do you understand each other’s advanced directives when it comes to more serious medical decisions? Do you feel confident to carry out each other’s wishes? 
• What kind of financial support would be required to provide the care desired by the both of you? Does that seem manageable? If not, how would you handle it?
• How often will you review this conversation to account for any potential changes?

Life Lesson: